On the Road

imageI’ve taken the plunge, jumped in with both feet. Me, Rizzo and cranky travel van.  We left Manitoba this morning after a leisurely start. I thought it was going to be sunny and calm.  Not.  But not too bad. A few times the wind gave me a fright. Felt like flying, but I’m driving?  Okay, settle down .  I drove from Lockport  and stopped at 5:30 outside of Dryden. Not much blue sky there. Big fat rain clouds scuddeded by,  and I had to dash in and out during my picnic supper to get the umbrella.

Safe and secure in the campground, showered and relaxed. Day 1 is over. Tomorrow will be better organized I’m sure.

-things that impressed me today:

-Rizzo has decided she will visit the front passenger seat ,the clean cut of the rock as you come around a curve, the curtesy of some drivers, the idiocy of others, the breathtaking road repair continuously happening between Winnipeg and Kenora and the pleasure of sitting with your feet up at the end of the day

Thank you for following Rizzo and I, on our summer trek to Nova Scotia.

 

Gratitude

I’ve been on a rollercoaster for awhile. Health concerns, failing strength and another Birthday. Thank goodness for family and friends and Me! I’m proud of the survivor me. I’m into my 9th year of widowhood. It sucks and I’ve dated but it’s not the same nor would I expect it to be. He was my passion and my curse. We loved deeply and destructively. I lost myself. When I lost him, I had to retrace my steps to find Me.

I’ve travelled and dated and been present at family gatherings and appreciated friends support. But I am and always will be a Lone Wolf.

I’ve come to admire and love my Wolf. I feel very strong snd grounded. But life carries on. I’m not in my 20’s anymore. Strength, my stanchion of independence, is sadly declining.

Freedom.

I’m doing travel as I please, but it’s becoming work. Maybe someday, I’ll be content to be a Hobbit in my warren and wait for Gandolf. But what I really want is to train dragons! My plan is to carry on the best I can and hope to impart the wonder I feel to my beautiful grandsons. Life is glorious. I wish that we can feel grateful for something every day. Big or small. It’s life.

My Little Bit of Heaven

I have been able to come back to mi casa after an almost 2 year gap i decided one of the things I’d add is a pool That way, if i got stuck down here, id be comfortable in the hot weather and i was hoping that family and friends would enjoy it as well.

Here are 2 videos of my first dip. I think I‘m looking like the cat that ate the canary, but its so fine!

I hope you all can find a bit of heaven where you are, be it in the form of a hug, a warm bed or sanctuary. Be good to yourself and those you care for.

Happy Ending!

The stray Gray has returned to her home!
After hanging around for a few months and making lots of friends, the thought of winter coming and the predators we have along the river, made it urgent to do something.
I set a live trap and captured our little friend. Many people have been taking care of this cat and kept her trust in humans.
Selkirk Veternary Service read her tattoo and called into the Winnipeg Humane Society. I was able to drive into Winnipeg and hand off the cat, (whose real name is Jasper), to her family.
She had bolted in August from her home in Transcona and somehow ended up here.


She has a cat buddy at home too who really missed her. 🎉
Her owner wrote
“Yeah I want to say it’s been august when she bolted. I truly lost hope. We searched so much and no luck. I am so truly happy that she was taken care of by a wonderful group of people.”
I love happy endings!

Seven Year Swear

It’s been 7 years since I’ve been on my own. I’ve treated it like the heroine from Titanic. I’ve travelled, laughed, danced and loved my family and friends. All the while that center of my heart, is scrunched and furious. I’m sad. I hate being sad. Why do I miss my lovely, handsome, infuriating husband so much.?

Celebrating in Hawaii

I think it’s because I’m remembering too much. The warmth of a kiss, the look across the room, the feeling that we had each other’s backs. Even when we got into a disagreement, it was with the certainty it would work out.

I’m envious of my friends who are sheltering with their spouses and then I’m grateful that I only have to makeup my mind by myself, with some consultation with my dog and sons.

I think I need to remember but also to look forward. It’s all well and good to hear the platitude, that’s it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. It’s just I had no idea that the weight of that loss would be so heavy.

There are reminders of Karl everywhere, the wind blowing the leaves, the birds in flight, music on the radio, the fleeting glimpse of one of the grand children’s’ smile, the set of a stranger’s shoulders in the store. It’s hurting less but even as I’m writing this, my eyes are leaking. Stop. I give up.

I think I’m visiting this feeling because of the current situation. I know I can’t and won’t wallow here too long. I have no idea what the future holds but I am glad my past was so rich. Now to set my sights for the emergence from this dark attic, and into the shine and hope of new memories.

No Razzle Dazzle. Just Morning Thoughts

I’m sitting here having my morning coffee and thinking about my life and the world around me. I miss having my husband Karl, to run ideas past. He was always a good listener and offered new viewpoints to consider. Now I just talk to the dog, her input is minimal. I talk to my sons, they aren’t as available as their father was. I talk to my dear friends and, while they are supportive and caring, they have their own universes to care for.

I’m not whining.  Just observing the state of my universe at the moment. My husband has been dead 6 years now. Eons of time and just a second in passing. I’m much stronger now at this point in my life. I feel whole and optimistic, but that is a foolish dream. My body is going to pack it in before I’m ready. A trick of genetic tailoring. The package still looks intact, but contents have shifted during shipping.

I’m comfortable in my condo on the river. Great view of the ever changing river and the soaring white pelicans. I have an opportunity to move into town, into another smaller condo. Do it now and save my sons some aggravation, or stay the course and let life unfold as it surely will?

These are the things I’m pondering at the moment. There is no right or wrong answer. I would give anything to have my husband beside me, my confidante in laughter and love. As more and more time passes, I forget what his voice sounds like. I see his smiles and caring in my sons and their sons. So life goes on.

On Line Dating

imageOn Line Dating

We’ve travelled far, along our separate roads
Kicking at dust and stone
Admiring pools of reflecting cool water

We meet in this gathering place
Many souls looking
Is that you?
Are you for me?
Mine?

I look into your face and see a deep well of feeling
Are you mine?
Face to face, heart to heart
We shimmer in understanding.
Let’s walk together, you and I
Our hearts and minds meld here.

Are you mine?

It’s Apple Pie! 21/02/2016

Good things are worth waiting for and ta duh!  Apple Pie made it into the world to meet his Grandma. Hooray.  Bouncing baby boy at 8 lbs. 14 oz.  My daughter in law was amazing!

Nothing was happening the morning of the 18th and I had given up.  My flight was on the 20th.  C. and I went for a nice walk to the other side of town and met her friend for lunch, then walked back.  C. lay down to have a little rest and a few hours later announced Things were Happening!    The process in this small mountain town is you go to the clinic, and if they say you’re ready, you drive to the larger centre about 45 minutes away.

My son came home from work a bit early with oldest grandson from day care.  “Grandmas’s in charge.” my son told #1 grandson. ” Be good and listen to her.” “Why?”said # 1.  “Because we listen to the person who is looking after us.”  Satisfied with that answer, we got along swimmingly.  I sympathized with his “I miss my mommy” and we painted her a picture.  Supper was prepared.  His tastes are basic: delicious bakery bun with ketchup.  Weiner on the side pushed around suspiciously.  He scoffed at Grandma eating her raw carrot sticks and drank a good helping of milk.  Then relaxing in front of  a Legos movie.

The phone rang about 3 hours or so from the parent’s departure. Did the baby diaper bag get left in the hallway?  I couldn’t find it.  My son says ” I’ll look in the car cause we are going to need it for your new grandson!”  I couldn’t believe it!

If I had known setting the deadline would produce such results!…I didn’t tell N.  he had a brother.  I just said his mom and dad were going to bring him a baby tomorrow.  The rest of his bedtime routine accomplished and the only request after stories, was for me to sit in the room with him.  5 mins later I was patting myself on the back.

In the morning, my daughter in law called and told N. he was a big brother and it was a boy baby.  N. never doubted it would be a boy after the first 6-7 months of waffling.. A super big smile lit his face,  and he went off to day care to await his parents and the baby at the end of the day.

So now my son and his wife have a lovely family of 2 sons.  What fun and work lies ahead.  It is so worth it.  I feel so happy that I was able to help comfort  my oldest grandson, when he missed his parents and after such an anxious wait, got to meet #2 grandson, a striking replica of his big brother.  Mom and babe are doing welł and their family adventure begins.

 

I’m Bailing 17/02/2016

I have been in place for almost 2 weeks.  Still no sign of baby.  Now starting to plan my exit.  Feel awful.  Should I change my flight?

No.  I offered.  Life isn’t always as scripted.  They have safety plans in place.  It will be fine.  I will return the end of April,  I think.  I am serving no purpose here and have things to do.  I’m hoping this baby will spring forth, but it will be induced if it doesn’t volunteer to exit before 2 weeks from the due date.  I believe it is very comfortable in its mother’s belly.  No signs of egress yet.

I’ve enjoyed this family time, my grandson is growing, changing. He will be a good brother.  But I am restless and reality dictates that I leave on schedule.  Today is Wednesday evening.  The clock is ticking.

I realize this family, is not the family my husband and I had.  It is another family, separate from me, but mine.  I can visit, but not remain.  I will return and have left the baby quilt.  I need to record and move on.

This is a lovely picture from my family friend Linda Parks.  Her daughter Melissa took it this morning.  Beautiful.  I’m going to take some sketching lessons.  I’m going to ask my instructor to guide me in something like this.

I hope we all find what we are looking for.

image

I Was Going to Say Something Brilliant. 16/02/2016

Here I am.  Nothing wonderful to report, except we did have sunshine in this Pemberton Valley today.  The fog clings to the hills and slithers through the streets like an unwanted left over party guest.  I prefer Mexico.

The second grandchild is still reluctant to leave its 5 star accommodation and I must prepare myself for the bitter truth.  It ain’t happening.  I leave Saturday, and if that baby wants to meet its Grandma, get busy!

its difficult to carry on as usual.  Not so difficult for N., the first born.  His needs are met, no problem.  His poor mother, however, is being watched like a hawk.  Every frown, sneeze or groan graded for productivity.

Babies come when babies are ready.  Just keep repeating this over and over.  Walk more.  Maybe we should do a bunch of baking?  Any suggestions?