Seven Year Swear

It’s been 7 years since I’ve been on my own. I’ve treated it like the heroine from Titanic. I’ve travelled, laughed, danced and loved my family and friends. All the while that center of my heart, is scrunched and furious. I’m sad. I hate being sad. Why do I miss my lovely, handsome, infuriating husband so much.?

Celebrating in Hawaii

I think it’s because I’m remembering too much. The warmth of a kiss, the look across the room, the feeling that we had each other’s backs. Even when we got into a disagreement, it was with the certainty it would work out.

I’m envious of my friends who are sheltering with their spouses and then I’m grateful that I only have to makeup my mind by myself, with some consultation with my dog and sons.

I think I need to remember but also to look forward. It’s all well and good to hear the platitude, that’s it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. It’s just I had no idea that the weight of that loss would be so heavy.

There are reminders of Karl everywhere, the wind blowing the leaves, the birds in flight, music on the radio, the fleeting glimpse of one of the grand children’s’ smile, the set of a stranger’s shoulders in the store. It’s hurting less but even as I’m writing this, my eyes are leaking. Stop. I give up.

I think I’m visiting this feeling because of the current situation. I know I can’t and won’t wallow here too long. I have no idea what the future holds but I am glad my past was so rich. Now to set my sights for the emergence from this dark attic, and into the shine and hope of new memories.

No Razzle Dazzle. Just Morning Thoughts

I’m sitting here having my morning coffee and thinking about my life and the world around me. I miss having my husband Karl, to run ideas past. He was always a good listener and offered new viewpoints to consider. Now I just talk to the dog, her input is minimal. I talk to my sons, they aren’t as available as their father was. I talk to my dear friends and, while they are supportive and caring, they have their own universes to care for.

I’m not whining.  Just observing the state of my universe at the moment. My husband has been dead 6 years now. Eons of time and just a second in passing. I’m much stronger now at this point in my life. I feel whole and optimistic, but that is a foolish dream. My body is going to pack it in before I’m ready. A trick of genetic tailoring. The package still looks intact, but contents have shifted during shipping.

I’m comfortable in my condo on the river. Great view of the ever changing river and the soaring white pelicans. I have an opportunity to move into town, into another smaller condo. Do it now and save my sons some aggravation, or stay the course and let life unfold as it surely will?

These are the things I’m pondering at the moment. There is no right or wrong answer. I would give anything to have my husband beside me, my confidante in laughter and love. As more and more time passes, I forget what his voice sounds like. I see his smiles and caring in my sons and their sons. So life goes on.

On Line Dating

imageOn Line Dating

We’ve travelled far, along our separate roads
Kicking at dust and stone
Admiring pools of reflecting cool water

We meet in this gathering place
Many souls looking
Is that you?
Are you for me?
Mine?

I look into your face and see a deep well of feeling
Are you mine?
Face to face, heart to heart
We shimmer in understanding.
Let’s walk together, you and I
Our hearts and minds meld here.

Are you mine?

It’s Apple Pie! 21/02/2016

Good things are worth waiting for and ta duh!  Apple Pie made it into the world to meet his Grandma. Hooray.  Bouncing baby boy at 8 lbs. 14 oz.  My daughter in law was amazing!

Nothing was happening the morning of the 18th and I had given up.  My flight was on the 20th.  C. and I went for a nice walk to the other side of town and met her friend for lunch, then walked back.  C. lay down to have a little rest and a few hours later announced Things were Happening!    The process in this small mountain town is you go to the clinic, and if they say you’re ready, you drive to the larger centre about 45 minutes away.

My son came home from work a bit early with oldest grandson from day care.  “Grandmas’s in charge.” my son told #1 grandson. ” Be good and listen to her.” “Why?”said # 1.  “Because we listen to the person who is looking after us.”  Satisfied with that answer, we got along swimmingly.  I sympathized with his “I miss my mommy” and we painted her a picture.  Supper was prepared.  His tastes are basic: delicious bakery bun with ketchup.  Weiner on the side pushed around suspiciously.  He scoffed at Grandma eating her raw carrot sticks and drank a good helping of milk.  Then relaxing in front of  a Legos movie.

The phone rang about 3 hours or so from the parent’s departure. Did the baby diaper bag get left in the hallway?  I couldn’t find it.  My son says ” I’ll look in the car cause we are going to need it for your new grandson!”  I couldn’t believe it!

If I had known setting the deadline would produce such results!…I didn’t tell N.  he had a brother.  I just said his mom and dad were going to bring him a baby tomorrow.  The rest of his bedtime routine accomplished and the only request after stories, was for me to sit in the room with him.  5 mins later I was patting myself on the back.

In the morning, my daughter in law called and told N. he was a big brother and it was a boy baby.  N. never doubted it would be a boy after the first 6-7 months of waffling.. A super big smile lit his face,  and he went off to day care to await his parents and the baby at the end of the day.

So now my son and his wife have a lovely family of 2 sons.  What fun and work lies ahead.  It is so worth it.  I feel so happy that I was able to help comfort  my oldest grandson, when he missed his parents and after such an anxious wait, got to meet #2 grandson, a striking replica of his big brother.  Mom and babe are doing welł and their family adventure begins.

 

I’m Bailing 17/02/2016

I have been in place for almost 2 weeks.  Still no sign of baby.  Now starting to plan my exit.  Feel awful.  Should I change my flight?

No.  I offered.  Life isn’t always as scripted.  They have safety plans in place.  It will be fine.  I will return the end of April,  I think.  I am serving no purpose here and have things to do.  I’m hoping this baby will spring forth, but it will be induced if it doesn’t volunteer to exit before 2 weeks from the due date.  I believe it is very comfortable in its mother’s belly.  No signs of egress yet.

I’ve enjoyed this family time, my grandson is growing, changing. He will be a good brother.  But I am restless and reality dictates that I leave on schedule.  Today is Wednesday evening.  The clock is ticking.

I realize this family, is not the family my husband and I had.  It is another family, separate from me, but mine.  I can visit, but not remain.  I will return and have left the baby quilt.  I need to record and move on.

This is a lovely picture from my family friend Linda Parks.  Her daughter Melissa took it this morning.  Beautiful.  I’m going to take some sketching lessons.  I’m going to ask my instructor to guide me in something like this.

I hope we all find what we are looking for.

image

I Was Going to Say Something Brilliant. 16/02/2016

Here I am.  Nothing wonderful to report, except we did have sunshine in this Pemberton Valley today.  The fog clings to the hills and slithers through the streets like an unwanted left over party guest.  I prefer Mexico.

The second grandchild is still reluctant to leave its 5 star accommodation and I must prepare myself for the bitter truth.  It ain’t happening.  I leave Saturday, and if that baby wants to meet its Grandma, get busy!

its difficult to carry on as usual.  Not so difficult for N., the first born.  His needs are met, no problem.  His poor mother, however, is being watched like a hawk.  Every frown, sneeze or groan graded for productivity.

Babies come when babies are ready.  Just keep repeating this over and over.  Walk more.  Maybe we should do a bunch of baking?  Any suggestions?

Rainy Day Reads 13/2/2016

Walking around the the little mountain town of Pemberton, I came across an outdoor library.  Lovely, as I had just finished Mother  of Pearl by Melinda Heynes.  It was a good read, about a small town in Mississippi in the 50’s.  It looked at segregation of blacks, whites and class in America at that time.  It looked at what constitutes a family.  It explored religion and family values.

I have been reading a lot, the weather has been drizzly and raining and dull.  We have seen sunshine.  The last time was briefly on the 9th.

The outdoor library is like a treasure box and only costs you a read book.  I turned in Mother of Pearl and took The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo.  My friends who have read it have enjoyed it, so I’ll give it a shot.  I hope everyone is comfy and cozy and enjoying something pleasant.  Cheers!

I’m in the mountains 9/2/2016

  • In the valley of Pemberton, the days aren’t very long, the sun dips behind the mountain by 330.  Definitely have to get out to find the sunshine.
  • composting can only be done while the bears are hibernating. They view the outdoor compost as a feeding station.
  • my kids keep the house too cold.  After hanging out in Mexico I find the brisk 5 degree Celsius weather fffreezing.
  • I realize I’m turning into a grouch.  I miss the beach.

Waiting 12/02/2016

bleah

rainy day

cold embers in the fire

waiting

waiting

for the sound

of life, of sunshine.

Soon

waiting will be done

a new tomorrow

 

on a more cheerful note, thank goodness for friends who send me  nice pictures of Monarchs in Mexico.  Thanks Jacques and Sylvie!

 

Waiting for Baby 7/2/2016

Baby’s room ready, Grandma showed up, firewood chopped.  No sign of baby.  Daughter in law says baby is too comfy right now. So we wait.

I had fun with N., and his little playmate R.  She was dressed up like a princess and N. liked to direct the play.  We played puppet show and train tunnel and flight to Florida and back.  Then I bailed to join the adults and they played happily til supper time. He’s at a fun age right now and I’m enjoying the imagination.

We will walk Rizzo some more and make Pancakes today because it’s a holiday.  I hope the baby comes soon, but not too soon as we enjoy this little lull.  So Batman or Apple Pie, we are waiting patiently for you.