Seven Year Swear

It’s been 7 years since I’ve been on my own. I’ve treated it like the heroine from Titanic. I’ve travelled, laughed, danced and loved my family and friends. All the while that center of my heart, is scrunched and furious. I’m sad. I hate being sad. Why do I miss my lovely, handsome, infuriating husband so much.?

Celebrating in Hawaii

I think it’s because I’m remembering too much. The warmth of a kiss, the look across the room, the feeling that we had each other’s backs. Even when we got into a disagreement, it was with the certainty it would work out.

I’m envious of my friends who are sheltering with their spouses and then I’m grateful that I only have to makeup my mind by myself, with some consultation with my dog and sons.

I think I need to remember but also to look forward. It’s all well and good to hear the platitude, that’s it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. It’s just I had no idea that the weight of that loss would be so heavy.

There are reminders of Karl everywhere, the wind blowing the leaves, the birds in flight, music on the radio, the fleeting glimpse of one of the grand children’s’ smile, the set of a stranger’s shoulders in the store. It’s hurting less but even as I’m writing this, my eyes are leaking. Stop. I give up.

I think I’m visiting this feeling because of the current situation. I know I can’t and won’t wallow here too long. I have no idea what the future holds but I am glad my past was so rich. Now to set my sights for the emergence from this dark attic, and into the shine and hope of new memories.

18 thoughts on “Seven Year Swear

  1. Oh my friend – you are very brave to put your heart out there for all of us to be witness to.
    Not having Karl here totally sucks…..no platitudes will ever make that any better.
    So hopefully a phone call or visit from friends near and far help to make the journey less lonely .
    Big love to you

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    1. Thank you for sharing from your heart and soul. This is a time to allow grief and loss …. and embrace the full cycle of life. It’s okay to feel the love and yearn for it once more. And then remember that the love is still here ..in our memories and heart.
      From here, be ready to embrace the beginnings that will surely come and the possibilities of Whatever comes your way. Autumn is a time for letting go and allowing inspiration to begin to sorts seed. 💛

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  2. Donna, That brought tears to my eyes too. And even though my situation is quite different, I can identify, especially in these strange times when we are “bubbling’ alone. Hugs from an old friend.

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  3. Oh Donna, how I feel for you. Yes, Karl is no longer with you in person but you will always have those memories to look back on. Allow yourself the time to sit back and wallow n your memories. I do and Bob, my Dashing Young Scotsman has been dead for 22 years. Hugs

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    1. Lois, I’m so sorry you’re experiencing loss. It hurts and then it does get better and then cycles over and over. It does get easier but you need to gather your family and friends to give you strength when you need it. Be kind and patient with yourself. Thank you for commenting. I encourage you to journal your feelings, it helps as well.

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      1. Thank you for your wise words! The “cycling” is true. I do write and it does help. I had my grandkids (9 and 11) for the weekend and when they left the 9-year-old put a book from my kids’ library out for me to read. About feelings! “If you feel sad, Grandma, when we leave, you can read this book.” Sweet that they realize the void here without their grandpa.

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      2. Yes Children and pets are such a gift. I looked up your site after I replied to you and I see you are a prolific writer. Oops. I am a retired RN and I think we share that life experience. My husband was in a slow decline over 7 years. I think I’m mourning the loss of my love and my youth and the great life we shared. So sometimes I wallow but I think as long as you don’t stay there too Iong, it can be healing. I’m looking forward to reading your blogs and I hope you will drop in and visit me once in a while. If you just want to chat , message me anytime.

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      3. Thank you so much, Donna. We do share a great base–nursing, a true love of mine. I really enjoyed your post, and it is similar to the epilogue I’m writing for my book, but I like some of your summarizing the years better! Writing is an endless process sometimes–I keep seeing things to change! I will follow up with you!

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    1. Thank you PR, your Royalness. We are making the best of every day. I hope you are feeling well and thank you for your comments. I saw your Lentil soup recipe. Usually when life gives me lemons, I do the lemonade thing, but in this instance I’ll go for a heart warming bowl of soup. I’ll come visit your blog. It feels like a place in a warm kitchen.

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